MySpace is Weird

I was logging in to MySpace today. I was on the log-in page, and I scrolled down to the section where they praise new videos. I saw that they were featuring my new favorite video, entitled "Jizz In My Pants". If you haven't viewed this masterpiece, now is the time to do so.

Anyway, as I was scrolling, I was suddenly interrupted. I was just going about my own business, when out of nowhere, the advertisement that usually only takes up half the page engulfed the entire page! It was horrible. I could hear women and children screaming, accompanied by the tortured squealing of a thousand slaughtered pigs. In that moment, entire civilations fell, and the world fell into a state of oblivion.

Wow, MySpace has really hit the bottom, hasn't it?

Twilight Movie Observations (From A Guy Who's Never Read the Book)

I watched the Twilight movie last week. What? Don't look at me like that. There were girls there, alright? A lot of them. I'm not gay! Just... read the post, okay? Geez...


Jacob's teeth are way too white. Also, he and his family are clearly werewolves. Why do I get the feeling that the next books/movies are going to consist mostly of the plot of the Underworld movies?

That Eric kid can't decide if he's Asian or Native American.

This school, no, this TOWN is full of creepers.

Edward is the whitest person I've ever seen.

Edward must be gay, otherwise the sight of girls wouldn't make him violently sick. That, or upon seeing Bella for the first time, he popped the largest boner on record and tried desperately to quell it.

Edward appears to be mildly retarded.

"Guh. You're pretty."

Dr. Cullen is apparently related to Lord Voldemort.

Trust me. He looks a lot like this.

If you ever wanted to know what a gay person looks like constipated, just observe Jasper.

If this movie has taught me one thing, it's that contrary to popular belief, sunlight actually makes vampires even gayer.

Edward reveals to Bella that she is like his “own personal brand of heroin”, setting the stage, hopefully, for a joke that would compare intercourse with Bella to a heroin overdose.

"I feel so strongly for you, I can only express myself in poorly constructed metaphors."

Edward + sunglasses = douchebag

Every so often, Edward bears a striking resemblance to Michael Jackson in both looks and speech.

Bella is extremely dumb, and clingy. She's like your friend's crazy girlfriend who, only days into the relationship, is already declaring unconditional love and threatening to go completely out of her mind if she were to lose him.

Despite Edward's blatant stalking, he and Bella enter a moment of passionate kissing. Unfortunately, Edward's girl allergies kick in again, and he's thrown back against the wall.

During a game of baseball, the Cullens are confronted by some real vampires. A stand-off of hissing and swaying in a menacing manner ensues. It pretty much looks like a fighting video game where everyone is standing in their ready stance, except it looks ten times more ridiculous.

It's impossible to take this movie seriously. Every time I try to, it throws a bafflingly retarded scene or line at me that causes me to give up, frustrated and confused. Like the time where everyone falls for the story that Bella was injured because she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Who does that?

In case you haven't noticed, girls have been going all "ga-ga" for this Edward character over the past few months, calling him the perfect guy and whatnot. I must say that the guy is setting pretty high standards, making it tough for, well, real guys. So I took the liberty of observing Edward and learning the secret to winning a girl's heart. So here it is:

1)Get rid of that healthy tan. It's gross. What you need to do is stay inside on nice days and work on that sexy, stark white, pale complexion that the girls love.

2)Outgoing? Have no trouble socializing and relating to girls? Well, stop that. Become socially awkward. Lurk, stare, break into your special girl's house at night, and generally be as creepy as possible.

3)At the beginning of the relationship, remain as detached as possible. Remind her on a daily basis that she's a dumbass for dating you. When she really starts to throw herself at you, it's time to become a total dick. Be aggressive. Be dominant. Hell, be borderline abusive. She'll eat that shit up. Bella sure did.

Well there you have it. Fellas, you can thank me now or later. Just be sure to acknowledge me at your wedding.


Speaking of Twilight, I've agreed to read the book. Not because I particularly want to. Mainly because I want to be able to bash it legitimately.

Feel free to make bets on how far I'll actually make it.

A Guy Gets Trampled in the Name of Holiday Spirit

In a recent news story, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a rush of frenzied Black Friday shoppers who had been waiting for the store to open.

I'll repeat that:

A man was fucking trampled to death by a mob of shoppers trying to buy cheap Wal-Mart shit.

In fact, the guy killed wasn't even an employee, he was a goddamned temp. The poor schmuck took awhile to get the door open, probably because he couldn't figure out the lock or something, and so was subsequently stampeded on by a bunch of impatient people who really really wanted 20 bucks off of a dust buster that'll break within a year.

"Being a temp sucks!"

As if that's not bad enough, after Wal-Mart announced over the store's intercom that everyone had just killed a guy, thus prompting a temporary closing of the store, the customers kept shopping anyway. They were actually angry that they were going to be kicked out for such a minor inconvenience as brutal death, some complaining that they had been waiting in line for days. I imagine the conversation went a little something like this:

Wal-Mart:
Uh, so you're all going to have to leave. You kind of killed one of our temps.

Customers:
FUCK YOU. Have you seen the price on these TVs? Where else am I going to get stuff this cheap?

Can you imagine what it must be like to be the temp's parents? Your own child, killed by an uncaring mob of Christmas shoppers. It's enough to turn you off of the holiday forever. What are they going to put on his headstone?

Jdimytai Damour

I guess they really
wanted those deals.

The least they could do is try to make it sound badass. Say he gave his life defending Santa from a zombie horde. That's pretty close to what happened, anyway.

The temp wasn't the only one harmed, but he was the only fatality. At least four others were treated for injuries, one of them a pregnant lady. Why? They were just trying to help the guy out.

So there you have it, folks. Apparently, not even manslaughter is enough to infringe on peoples' shopping experience.

That being said, have you seen the deals at Target? They're AMAZING!

Hello, and welcome to my blog!
I'd first like to thank you all for wasting your time here.

Secondly, why the damn hell are you wasting your time here?

Oh, wait. Nobody is reading this blog, so effectively I'm talking to nobody...




God, I'm so lonely.