Jacob's teeth are way too white. Also, he and his family are clearly werewolves. Why do I get the feeling that the next books/movies are going to consist mostly of the plot of the Underworld movies?
That Eric kid can't decide if he's Asian or Native American.
This school, no, this TOWN is full of creepers.
Edward is the whitest person I've ever seen.
Edward must be gay, otherwise the sight of girls wouldn't make him violently sick. That, or upon seeing Bella for the first time, he popped the largest boner on record and tried desperately to quell it.
Edward appears to be mildly retarded.
"Guh. You're pretty."Dr. Cullen is apparently related to Lord Voldemort.
Trust me. He looks a lot like this.
If you ever wanted to know what a gay person looks like constipated, just observe Jasper.
If this movie has taught me one thing, it's that contrary to popular belief, sunlight actually makes vampires even gayer.
Edward reveals to Bella that she is like his “own personal brand of heroin”, setting the stage, hopefully, for a joke that would compare intercourse with Bella to a heroin overdose.
"I feel so strongly for you, I can only express myself in poorly constructed metaphors."Edward + sunglasses = douchebag
Every so often, Edward bears a striking resemblance to Michael Jackson in both looks and speech.
Bella is extremely dumb, and clingy. She's like your friend's crazy girlfriend who, only days into the relationship, is already declaring unconditional love and threatening to go completely out of her mind if she were to lose him.
Despite Edward's blatant stalking, he and Bella enter a moment of passionate kissing. Unfortunately, Edward's girl allergies kick in again, and he's thrown back against the wall.
During a game of baseball, the Cullens are confronted by some real vampires. A stand-off of hissing and swaying in a menacing manner ensues. It pretty much looks like a fighting video game where everyone is standing in their ready stance, except it looks ten times more ridiculous.
It's impossible to take this movie seriously. Every time I try to, it throws a bafflingly retarded scene or line at me that causes me to give up, frustrated and confused. Like the time where everyone falls for the story that Bella was injured because she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Who does that?
In case you haven't noticed, girls have been going all "ga-ga" for this Edward character over the past few months, calling him the perfect guy and whatnot. I must say that the guy is setting pretty high standards, making it tough for, well, real guys. So I took the liberty of observing Edward and learning the secret to winning a girl's heart. So here it is:
1)Get rid of that healthy tan. It's gross. What you need to do is stay inside on nice days and work on that sexy, stark white, pale complexion that the girls love.
2)Outgoing? Have no trouble socializing and relating to girls? Well, stop that. Become socially awkward. Lurk, stare, break into your special girl's house at night, and generally be as creepy as possible.
3)At the beginning of the relationship, remain as detached as possible. Remind her on a daily basis that she's a dumbass for dating you. When she really starts to throw herself at you, it's time to become a total dick. Be aggressive. Be dominant. Hell, be borderline abusive. She'll eat that shit up. Bella sure did.
Speaking of Twilight, I've agreed to read the book. Not because I particularly want to. Mainly because I want to be able to bash it legitimately.
Feel free to make bets on how far I'll actually make it.
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